Dateology

Why eHarmony is a good thing

It has been four months that I've been on eHarmony and today--I am taking stock.

Ten reasons why eHarmony was a really good thing:

1. It helped me get The Ex blanket off of me and step outside. Just a few days ago at a party, a mutual friend asked me about him. "Have you seen E? Our friend asked. E who? Oh...The Ex. Nope. Haven't. Quickly checking inside--no feelings whatsoever. Nice.
2. It showed me just how many great guys are also looking. Right for me or not, it's not such a dry desert after all.  It gave me a perspective and reassured me that there are options. Lots of options. And all each of us needs--is just one.
3. The structured communication process gave me a way to have more meaningful first dates in which I could communicate with a guy without him turning into a puddle (because a. "you're so intimidating" or b. "you're just too beautiful").
4. It definitely led to a few good belly laughs (remember the dolphin?!?) and to precious moments of sharing profiles on the phone with my brother and his wife or with a close friend.
5. It helped me understand more about the dating-mankind. From your obsession with sports, to how you need to organize yourselves in a few categories for safety, to choosing terrible pictures. Men, I've learned, are often their own worse enemies when it comes to putting themselves forward.
6. Being committed to doing things seriously--to filling out the profile, looking at each match carefully, communicating with care--helped me feel that I was actively participating in finding the right guy for me. No more sitting at a cafe with my friends and passing complaints. I took action. That I didn't find the right guy is true--but I gained a sense of control over my dating life and regained my optimism that everything will work out just right again.
7. I can now tell my parents I've done my part.
8. I can now tell my brother I've done my part.
9. I can now tell myself--I've done my part.
10. And- rolling in guys' words, flipping through the pictures, reading between the lines, inspired me to think and write again and to have fun.

And now that it has been four months (FOUR months?!?), I'm feeling good:  I'm on my feet, head screwed on just right, my step is light.  It has been a great experience...but, as with many such explorations, there comes a time to move on. And so with that--on my other monitor, I'm hitting the "Close" button once more--this time, for my eHarmony account.

Sometimes we just need a little support. This was mine. If you're seriously looking for that someone-- do whatever you need to do. Break your own "I would never" rules. Get online, go out to events, tell your friends you're ready. I didn't for the longest time and it didn't serve me well (although it did give me the illusion of an ego intact).

No matter what, never lose your faith that things will work. Your good energy, your optimism, your lack of attachment to results, and your openness to trying, are likely to bring you much closer, much sooner, to the right one for you. And- think of all the journey stories you'll be able to share...

Yours truly,

Datingirl

NonAdsense

Dear Dateologers--hang with me as I try to figure out why Google AdSense is taking over the footer of Dateology posts...if anyone has an idea--do share!

DG

Lessons from eHarmony for guys: #3- Get some good pictures, for crying out loud!

Seriously. Do you really think that picture of you in front of your bathroom mirror, wearing a wife beaters--or worse--a suit (!!!)--is going to do it for us? How about that picture with the dolphin? (Still not over that one.) Or you as an ant in the snow? C'mon.

Guys, we just want to see you. We want to look at your face, pretend we're not looking at your body, and be able to create a story about who you are. If we can't (and you don't have a mind-blowing profile to balance, which, you rarely do I regret to say) it's not likely you'll stay around for long. And that's too bad because you may be the nicest guy ever. You just chose sucky pictures.
Here's how you can help us:

1. Give us a close-up so we can see your face. We really like good eyes. 'Eyes are the window to the soul', etc. I don't know what you've heard women say--but in the end, we care. Make it natural--not posed in some sterile studio--so we can get a feel for your true features and recognize you when we finally meet you.
2. An upper body (or full body if you must) so we can get a sense for your proportions. And I don't mean this in the guy way...ahem. What I mean is that women really like to feel comfortable around a guy's body. Most of us don't like to feel like we tower over you or can squeeze you to death if we ever end up in bed together. It's a primal thing, let us have it, ok?
3. And speaking of proportions--how about perspective? Let us see you in an environment so we can tell more about your frame and body language. Bathroom door and sink do not count. Try a recent picture of you at a house party or standing next to one of those silly globes at Crissy Field.
4. Not sure you're the most attractive lad in the eHarmony bubble? No problem. Here's a secret I just learned: one sure way to combat this minor shortcoming is to share a picture--a happy picture--with a good looking (yet normal!) woman friend. Michael from San Francisco did that and boy did it make an impression. She looked smart, professional, and kind. From "eh, he's ok" I heard myself go to "awww...he's a nice guy." Just like that. There's something about a guy who is liked by self assured, professional, good looking women that gives you a look-pass. Oh yeah--please label picture with: "me with my friend (insert name or location)." That'll suffice. Good going, Michael!
5. One picture is not enough. We can't really tell much from a single picture. And by the way--so far, most of those sucked. We're women. We need to think about things. To see you in different lights. Give us at least 3-5 (but please, no need for 15).
6. Oh yeah--baseball caps, sunglasses, megaphones, turkey hats, ski masks are all ok...I suppose--just not on every picture. If you must do the little costume show--go for it. But please balance with ones where we can actually see you.

Ladies, anything else I may have left out?

Gentlemen--we thank you in advance...

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Random browsing: look what the cat dragged in

In one of my random internet surfing zone-outs, I stumble upon an ultra colorful, ultra busy blog promising dating advice from a single dating expert ("because who knows better than a guy who's still dating") named Evan Mark Katz. I'm a bit suspicious of the blog which looks more like the desk of an ad agency reject-- but with what turns out to be an extensive website, a few TV spots, and some 40 comments per post, I stay on.

Thirty seconds into the current post and I'm captivated. I feel I'm being spoken to by higher power (Evan Marc Katz apparently is his name).

Responding to a reader who's wondering why she keeps dreaming about her once two-timer date when there is a perfectly nice guy right there (but, who's apparently challenged in bed), Katz provides an interesting window into the guy's mind.

"The truth is," writes Katz, "that attraction and devotion are two things that CAN go together but don’t INHERENTLY go together. In fact, it would probably be more accurate to state that attraction and devotion are at opposite poles."

Katz goes on to write that men can change...it's just a matter of how you (women) let them know what you need them to do differently.  (And this is where, this time, you can add "in bed.") You can read more here...and don't be alarmed--apparently this kindergarten looking boy is over 30.

Bottom line, from the few strong relationships I've been in, and from the many relationships I've seen-- when the time is right, both men and women find their ways to a certain equilibrium. For men, it's often when work (and a mortgage) are finally in place and the "ready now" taxi cab light goes on...for women it might be an age, a biological clock, or simply finding someone who has most of what they look for. Until that point, it seems, men will be men and--and there's simply very little we can do about it other than wait. And play mice.

Yours truly,

Datringirl

eHarmony date #4- Dan

Dan and I have been communicating the extra-slow path for a couple of months now. He asks questions, I take a few days to reply, he takes two weeks to write back. Since I was briefly dating a few weeks back (one of those frenzied guys--swept me up and plopped me right back down), I didn't care. I thought I'd be closing the whole eHamrony thing anyway as I was flying way up in the air.

Back to ground though, and as soon as I untangled my foot from earth's roots, I resumed communication. Couple more weeks and we finally got to Open Communication. A whole 2000 characters or so of open words. I figure it's time to share my picture with him.
"I was hoping you won't," he writes. "I really liked what you had to say."
I'm wondering if he's for real or if he too has seen the Tao of Steve.
I un-share.
Dan writes long emails. If you've been following, I'm sure you know by now I have a soft spot for good emails--they're food for my soul...but his are just, well...long.

We finally agree to meet. A coffee date (screening, really). He proposes Greens at Fort Mason. It's a great choice for a sunny day. I arrive and he's already there, he spots me immediately and smiles--shifting his sunglasses above his closely shaved head. He's tall, not bad looking, relaxed.

We get our coffee (soy for him) and walk toward the beach.

Later that night I get on the phone and describe the date to my brother and his wife.
The guy was super nice, I say. Insisted on paying for the coffee, opened the door, made sure I wasn't too cold...
My brother says it's a good start.
He's professional, I say, we talked about work...he cares about the environment...does non-profit work...he volunteers at a children shelter...heads a number of organizations...nice guy...
Impressive, my brother says.
Yeah...I guess, he's really nice.
And?
Nothing, I say. He's nice.
Nice? says my sister-in-law. Nice?!?
What? Say I. He's a nice guy...
Can you hear yourself? she yells at me.
What?
If you say nice one more time I'm going to hang up on you. It's only 7pm and you're putting me to sleep. Where's the spunk? Where's the spice? You can't be with someone who's just nice.

So there you have it. Apparently, I may have pushed the dial just a bit too far and ended up with a bit of a zombie--a vanilla stick if you will--in my sister-in-law's taste at least.

Alas. Nothing will be determined on a first coffee date. It never should. There will be a real dinner and plenty of conversation to give him a chance to bring on some real spice and zest. The guy's from New York...he has to have some edge.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

An escape to New York

Katy is getting ready to leave for New York tonight.
"Why are you going?" I ask her. "There are a lot of cool things happening in San Francisco this weekend. Love Fest, StrictlyBlueGrass, etc.
"I'm going to visit my cousin," she says and looks down."They invited me to spend the weekend with them."
"Weren't you just there?" I ask.
"I just need to get out of town." She says. "Change of scenery."
I know she's referring to the whole ordeal with John.
"You really let this guy get to you." I'm half accusing, half perplexed.
She doesn't say anything.
"Katy," I try to appeal to her reason; to remind her of the things I know she knows. "He is obviously unable to have a relationship, can't handle a conversation, cannot apologize, wants you one day won't talk to you the next, has no respect for you, calls you names...what are you holding on to?"
Silence.
When Katy gets silent I know there's no use. I have to let her be. It infuriates me that she won't talk to me. I hate not being able to help her.
Finally, she looks up at me. "You don't understand!" She almost yells.
"What?!?" I say, jarred.
"I get him!" Katy says and looks at me with a piercing glare. " I get him. I understand why he is the way he is. It's familiar. I used to be this way. Moody and obsessed and unsure what to do with my feelings, thinking everyone's judging me, reading between the lines what never existed in the first place,  assigning to others what I feel, being unable to express what I truly want--feeling like no matter what I say it comes out wrong. I used to be so angry but it was only because I didn't know how to do things differently.   I once wished upon my cousin that he died instead of our uncle--and I was ten!"

"Katy," I lean in and look straight into her beautiful blue eyes. "I understand. And at the same time--that's exactly it. You were ten! He's not. You've come a really long way since you were that little lost girl."

"And teenager." She looks up and smiles. "And a 20 something adult."
"Ok, when did it stop?" I ask her and we both laugh.

My close girlfriends seem to have some things in common: they are very accomplished, good looking women who make tough decisions in their professional lives driven by logic and fact. And yet, in their personal lives, these women seem to ignore the facts and look at people (guys) not for what they see on the outside but more so for the person behind the public persona.  We understand what it's like to be lost, and we look for the potential instead of the reality.

And then there's the cultural thing. Both Katy and I lived abroad as kids. We often talk about how Americans are more emotionally suppressed than some other cultures. In France, for example, being angry or sad is expected. The word Emotional is a positive word--it describes an ability to feel and sense and demonstrates that you have passion. In the States however, people are often expected to control their feelings--to be polite, diplomatic, to not expose their feelings in public unless they're a victim to some terrible circumstances or are on a talk show. Instead of being rewarded for their ability to feel and express (and then let go), people here are rewarded for their ability to control and suppress their emotions.

When a person yells, he's considered hot-tempered. When a person is sad, he is prescribed medicine. A friend, just recently, was told she was in the manic stage of a bi-polar disorder because she was exhilarated for a few days after landing a new job. What if we all start to believe that there's something wrong with us? How will that impact our behavior which, in other places in the world, would have been completely normal?

"Look, I know there was no reason for him to do what he did..." says Katy, "but if he were able to talk about it--maybe we would have gotten past it."
"Until the next time?" I ask her.
"Maybe so." Says she. "But it's just part of growing up, I guess. working through things when you think you met someone special."

I look at her and see a potential in real form. Rose colored glasses riding on the ridge of her nose. An infinite ability to see good and to feel hope. An untiring believer, she is the ultimate loving forgiver.

"Ok Katy," I say and extend my hand to her. "Let's go."
And with that we head out to SFO.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Mystery solved; Movie title found...the geek's guide to the women's galaxy

 In my reply post to Brooke I mention a quote from a movie--name I couldn't recall. Well. Mystery solved in the most mysterious ways and in the most  unlikely fitting place--a tech website covering startup companies of all things.

The movie (drum roll please) is Tao of Steve. A across-country, cross-continents dating guide for guys. It's the best hidden secret of all geeks around. It's their bible. Their How-To everything you wanted to know about girls and life.

Late at night, as they code or wait for coders to finish their job--as they plan to take over the world (Muahaha)--they sit and watch this movie over and over and over again. They can quote any line, they have categorized the film's scenes according to lessons--and they will use secret codes to reference these lessons whenever one of their friends is in trouble (aka-likes a girl). 

Just ask any techie about it, and you'll see them look up and smile as they blush--memories of sweet comfort and joy emanate from their face. 

Ladies, if you haven't seen this movie yet--highly educational view into the inner-workings of guys' minds. Ignorance has been bliss. Now go watch it.  Clip (rule 2) here.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Getting out of our own (relationship) way: the case for letting nature lead the way?

It's an early evening at home. I make an arugula mint and pomegranate salad, sable fish in miso glaze over pine nut couscous, and land on the sofa to watch a movie.  I need something light, fun, entertaining. A dose of joy just for me.

What Happens in Vegas is playing on Comcast and seems like the perfect little number for tonight. Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz are two complete opposites riddled with personal baggage and lots of room for growth. Joy (Diaz), a perfect ensemble Wallstreet trader is dumped by her fiance during a surprise birthday she throws for him; Jack (Kutcher) is your typical not-a-marriage/husband-material loser who is fired by his very own father.  The two end up in Vegas to celebrate their respective failures and, after a wild and amusingly-captured night, end up in bed and married.

It's the same old story but with a twist--as they finish a yelling match at the hotel lobby agreeing it was a drunken mistake, Jack inserts a quarter Joy had given him, and wins a $3,000,000 jackpot. Unable to agree on division of the money, they face a judge who, instead of granting them an annulment, sends them to 6 months of "Hard Marriage"--forcing them to live together and attend weekly marriage counseling.

You can probably guess the rest (it is a Hollywood production, after all)--after weeks of creatively torturous attempts to throw the other out of the game--including befriending the family (Joy), taking down the bathroom door (Jack), peeing in the sink (also Jack)--the two fall in love for real. They find compassion and care and a true desire to be with one another. Their marriage counselor (the sharp, and on perfect comedic timing, Queen Latifa) testifies on the stand that while they each have serious issues they should work on--"as a couple, they're perfect for one another--go figure. They're the real thing."

It's not a new concept, you know. Arranged marriages have existed since the beginning of wo/mankind. They're still practiced in some cultures. But we, modern, sophisticated, successful Westerners often look down at them. Perhaps, I propose, it's not as bad as it seems. Perhaps, with some modifications, it can actually work?  Forget the cerebral processing of it all, forget the checklists, the 'shoulds'--why not let pre-evolution nature dictate the way instead?

Simply find two people who are attracted to one another, get them drunk, let them have crazy wild (safe) sex, then lock them in a commitment and let them fight and roll in one another's baggage and dirty socks. If at the end of 4 months it's no-go, set them free and bring the next one in. My guess is, we'd be surprised by how much we can actually make things work when we have to.

I know it may sound a bit unconventional, but think about it. Past college and its structured environment where we get to know people well, physical attraction is the thing that gets us together in the first place. It's nature's glue. Maybe, just maybe--that's a good enough of a start. Maybe nature knows better than us. Maybe by forcing us to deal with one another's crap--and by extension--with our own, we pave a passage into dealing with ourselves: no running away, no escaping, no hiding our flaws and pretense. It's all there--right in our face.

True, it can get pretty brutal: the older we get the more accustomed we become to hiding our flaws. We say things that aren't always true, we project on others, and--when all else fails, we always have the option to say "you know--I'm out." And just like that the light switch goes off.  Problem is, we often fail to realize that the escape is not from the other but rather, from ourselves.  As time passes, the only way to remain on top is to simply not get involved in meaningful relationships. Reminds you of anyone you know? Sure does to me.

I don't think any of us is willing to trade our modern lives or freedom of choice--but perhaps we can stick around a little longer the next time we get ready to bolt. That one night stand, that short lived flirt--maybe these are the real beginnings...if we could only live with ourselves as we stand naked in front of the mirror the next day and not put on a coat and run for the door.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Lessons from eHarmony for guys: #2- Be Honest

I'm amazed at people who think they can hide who they are on eHarmony. I'm sure it is true for both genders (my guy dateology readers can confirm or correct) but it's just mind-blowing what guys think they can get away with sometimes.

Brian from San Francisco wrote he's 6'1". But one look at his pictures and I can tell there's no way he's a hair above 5'9". He wants to communicate via Fast Track. Fine- works for me. After a few "how are you's," and the mandatory "so how do you like eHarmony so far," I email him: "Are you really 6'1"? A few convoluted communications later (in which he chastises women who care about height), he reveals he's 5'8". And a half!. Seriously, Brian. Did you really think you'd grow a couple of inches by the time we met?  I say thank you and Close.

Adam from Oakland has a super nice profile. I like how he thinks and what he writes. We go out a couple of times. On our first date he constantly reach and touch his stomach with his hand--I'm guessing nerves. But on the second date, he is still doing that--even while driving. Finally I ask him if everything is okay. Apparently he has a serious medical condition and he has to activate a pump that shoots some kind of meds into his abdomen. When  was he planning on telling me, I ask, "when we're married?" he replies. Close.

But I'm giving you extreme examples perhaps. There are also the run of the mill examples I'm sure you've all encountered. They've become more like white lies: there are the pictures from years gone, or the ones with the cropped out soon-to-be ex-wife (which wasn't a detail on the profile); there are the guys who actually want only a Catholic girl, or those who are over their ex-girlfriend ("really!") but still talk about her within the first few minutes of a conversation. I'm sure you have your examples too.

Bottom line is that Online dating is difficult as it is. Your mom would never let you go out with a total stranger you met online. You have to trust that the other person is real, that what they say is true--you sort of put your faith in people's intentions and hope that you both share the same purpose.

So think carefully about what you say and how you present yourself. I don't know about my female Dateologers--but to me, honesty and integrity rank just as high as 'has a heartbeat' when "till death do us part" is concerned. Besides, we're bound to find out all the mismatches soon enough--which would send you straight down from wherever you were to a disappointment laden square one. Why not start from a place of empowerment and build it from there?  We'll all encounter people who won't be a good fit--by twisting the facts you're only prolonging--but not eliminating--that moment of truth.

So how can you communicate honesty? Here are a few starter points:

Write a great profile: This is your admission ticket. Don't just put those silly bullet points--go all the way out and be funny and kind and thoughtful. Show us your heart, let us into your mind, and trust that we're going to see you through the words. More on how to stand out in your profile here.

Put up a representative picture: We're going to find out what you look like sooner or later, aren't we? If you must, don't share it until later--we found the "ask for picture" button just as quickly as you did.

Strategize what information you're sharing: It's always better to under-promise and over-deliver. There's nothing like saying "I loved his profile but his pictures are so-so" and then discover that not only your mind rocks but that you look descent too.

If you are dealing with a serious issue, it's ok to let us know: One guy's profile said he was just getting over his dad's passing. It a short sentence, he said what he missed most about him, and then moved on.  I'm not saying to give us a sob story--just to touch on the real you, right now, in this world.

Have fun with who you are: Seriously, if you're in your 30's and on eHarmony--life has to be at least a little amusing. Stop taking yourself so seriously--laugh a little; tell us a good story, talk about the goof in you (we like that)! It's important to build credibility and demonstrate you're a serious guy but at the same time, we already know you're not perfect, so why waste time?

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Brooke wants to know: how to get more? A Datingirl advice on The Chase and on how to play Iguana

Brooke has a situation on her hands as you can see in the comments section. Since there's more to say than would fit in the comment box, I'm pulling it up. Hope it's ok, Brooke.

So here's the thing Brooke. In essence, if I got this right, you met a guy with whom you have a great connection. You're both physically attracted to one another, you've been spending time together and feel very comfortable. At the same time, there's no progress or momentum building up. At least not yet. Is that right?

He could be a really nice guy. He texted you and asked to see you again after the first "sleepover." The fact he wasn't pushing for sex is also a good sign. At the same time, it doesn't sound like there's much momentum building. It's sort of there. Which means, in all likelihood, the message the guy's hearing is "I can have her if I wanted" which translates to: there's no real chase. I'm guessing the guy is young...under 35. And, unfortunately, I'm guessing the chase is still in his coding. It's sort of like a lion in the wild. If he knows he's going to get the Iguana for dinner anyway, why get up from under the warm sun?  You see, by knowing the outcome, you've taken away any chance of making the guy feel like a winner, a hero, a conqueror. Which means, in most cases, it's going to be really tough to get him interested in much more. Dinner is served.

Then again, this might be a different story. On your side is your confidence and ease with which you behave. Your comfort level is your strength. It doesn't sound like you're needy with him or that you initiated "the talk" yet. Never, Brooke, never initiate "the talk."

But now to the real question: It's clear you two have great physical chemistry...are you interested in more? Are you interested in dating him? Is he boyfriend material? 

If you are, it's time to shape up girl. I hate to say it--but with guys who need to chase--you need to play as well. Me lion--you Iguana. Be the iguana, Brooke. Then, when they think you're both playing the same game, when you're exactly in sync, lead in a different direction. Capiche?

Here's what it might mean:

Next time he calls tell him you're unavailable (I can't believe I'm giving this advice!); tell him that you've made other plans. Tell him you'd love to see him another date and give him a concrete option: "how about Sunday instead..." By the way, don't pretend you're unavailable--schedule plans with a friend. Even if you have to schedule them after he calls. Just go out and have fun--be yourself--your happiness (and business) will magically occupy his mind for at least a couple of hours. It's energy. Trust me.

When you do make plans, offer to do things that don't involve your bedroom or the sofa. Go hiking, go to a movie, have dinner together. If he says no, you should know at that very moment he's not interested in dating you and you can make a more informed decision about spending more time with him.

Next time you see him, talk about things that don't involve this--this relationship--the two of you. There's a big world out there. Get to know him. Ask a few questions. Pay attention to the conversation: If he asks back--that's great--it suggests mutual interest. If he doesn't, you might need to help him grow interest. Start making statements about yourself rather than asking him any more questions. Tell him something interesting about you. Guys can be self-centered and childish--they often like conversations to center around them and all that they've accomplished. It's a comfort thing.  So when he finally asks meaningful questions about you, your past, your life, you can reward him with a question about him again. Conversation 101 for men. He'll thank you in the end.

Let him know you're having a good time but don't talk about the future just yet. Not even about next week. Seriously, I've learned (the hard way) that once you start talking future with guys at early stages of relationships it's like pouring a big bucket of water on a candle. Immediately out. You can say you had a good time...you can say it was nice spending the afternoon with him--but then let him be the one who figures out he wants to see you again.

Chase guys need to work at it. Their brains work differently. It takes realizing that they're missing on something before they get their act together. Remember that lion? Unless he starts to feel hunger pains in his stomach and sees the empty vista in front of him, he's never going to get up.

Finally, there was a rather mediocre movie (name cannot recall) a few years back with a brilliant line about friendship.  'Never be friends,' says the main character. 'Getting out of the friendship zone is like getting shit off the sole of your shoe.'

Hope this helps, Brooke. Let us know.

Yours truly,

Datingirl